why?

This word has plagued my mined for so many years. Why does this work the way it works? Why do I act the way I act? Why do I love the people I love? This one word carries so much power that I haven't wrapped my mind around why I exists. What is our purpose? What does humanity mean? Were we created out of chance? I believe so. Just recently Jupiter the Earth and the Sun was aligned. What does that mean?
To me this means an insignificance in the human race as a whole. Who or what is to say how we live our lives. I will admit that I'm not educated and I have no real grasp on reality. I feel that reality is a placebo. We believe in simple ideologies that make us keep living. I have asked this question for many years; why don't I have control over my life. I feel that the person I am is not represented by the life I live. To be honest I can equate death with life. To be living is to be dead. Being dead means darkness. Being alive means darkness. This reasoning can be attributed to the universal truth that we will be left in a darkness that is infinite.

The question why has plagued my minded for many years... My religious beliefs has made me to believe that I'm here to procreate. This has been ingrained into my head since childhood. I've completed this task to an extent, but has been stalled by the opposite party. There are to many uncertainties in life to plan for.
I really do not know what the purpose of this post is... I'm a drunk who struggles day to day. I'm a person who makes mistakes, but has the best intentions. I love my family and friends. I've acted selfishly most of my life, and I can't change the past, but I can shape my future.

-NastyNate